


Memory loss

by MosImagination



Series: Star Wars [18]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Brain Cancer, Cancer, Feels, Hux-centric, Kylo Ren Angst, M/M, Medical suicide, Sad, Sad Ending, Suicide, ben solo has cancer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-03
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-31 00:56:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6449065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MosImagination/pseuds/MosImagination
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eight months of pain from the first month of learning of Bens brain cancer and the last month to saying goodbye.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Memory loss

**Author's Note:**

> I felt a need to write this since I've had the idea for two weeks.

Hux remembered the worst morning of his life. When he found his beautiful husband Ben solo, seizing on the tiled floor of the shower. He had thrown himself down besides him and pulled him close. "Ben..." He cried and pulled his body close, his right hand dialing 911 into his phone. 

By the time the ambulance had arrived Bens seizure had ended, but he was heavily vomiting into a trash can hux held. 

They took him and moved him from their home to the hospital. 

This was where the worst news of hux's life was told to him. His wonderful, perfect, sweet, husband. Had a large brain tumor with the growth of a 3. Brain tumors ranged from 1 to 4, 4 being the fastest growing. 

Hux did not break down on his outside, but mostly on his inside. But Ben...he collapsed into his arms and gripped onto his strong shoulders. "Hux....hux...please.." He sobbed to his mightly husband, almost as if...he had power over the disgusting cancer. 

Hux pulled him close and kissed his now tear covered pink lips. "It's alright Ben...my strong boy..." 

~~ 

Twenty years of marriage was nothing compared to the first two months of treatment. 

They begun with chemo and radiation. Ben was constantly reduced to nothing but a heartbroken, vomiting sweetheart.   
And hux loved him even if he smelled like a hospital. 

Hux would bring him home and lay him on the couch, letting him sleep and rubbing his back. At some points Ben would grip the trash can and vomit heavily, his eyes filling with tears. "I'm a terrible husband.." He cried. 

Then hux pulled him close and kissed his cracked lips, "you're an amazing husband..." 

~~

By the four month of treatment, Ben could barely talk...and really couldn't remember too much. The chemo wasn't stopping the tumor in anyway. And honestly it was eating away the amazing person his husband was. 

Hux was holding onto Ben one morning, when the other tiredly looked up into huxs eyes. "H-hux...." He drooled weakly and snuggled tighter into his husbands form. "I...I can't..-member our..wedding.." Huxs face fell slightly. 

"Oh..? You don't?" Hux pulled his thin, pale form close and kissed his lips. "How about we look at the album?" 

Hux got the book and came back to his partner, he held the book in Bens lap and helped to slowly turn the pages. 

"You..you were in this beautiful suit. Everything black. You've always been my emo boy.." He teased and kissed him again before moving on. "And I wore this tail coat black suit with a white shirt. You came down the aisle with your father. Oh my it's our vows..." 

'Huxs hands shook as he unfolded the paper of his vows. "Ben...ever since junior year of high school...you've been my boyfriend...you've made me smile even when I was being tortured at home. And god Ben, you made me go to parties" hux begun giggling and so did Ben. "But...even through all these things. You were always just my boyfriend. My sweet perfect boyfriend who let me cry, because 'real boys cry' as you told me the night my grandma died. Thank you for that night...it gave me the feeling of love. And then, exactly four months and two days ago I proposed. And you screamed and tackled me to the ground. I love you Ben solo. And I swear to give you my whole." Ben watched hux and smiled, "how did I get so lucky..?" He smiled wider and looked at his own paper "dear Huxley. How can I repay you? Four years of my life that I've been with you, four years I wouldn't trade the world for. I love you...I love you more them I can verbally explain. Your sweet smile that you have in the morning before you run off to work...your eyes when you had a stressful day and you wanna snuggle, and the tears your perfect eyes make when you need to release any pent up emotions. You are my soul mate. The love of my life...and I can't help but thank you for the four years we've dated and the infinities we will have while married."'

Hux read softly to Ben, watching how he drooled weakly. Hux was loosing his Ben solo, but he wouldn't let it rip from him his strength. 

~~ 

During the sixth month..bens treatment was ended..it wasn't working. 

Ben whimpered as he was carried into the house from the car. Hux laid him on the bed and gently rubbed his lovers hands. "Shhhh Ben...I know..." 

Ben cried heavily and squirmed slightly, causing drool to drip endlessly from his unspeaking mouth. Hux sighed and wiped away the drool, kissing softly at bens lips. "Ben..don't listen to your time limit my love..I'll be here with you..and we will make it." 

The doctor had given Ben two months. 

Hux laid down with Ben, moving his pale and extremely thin husband against his chest. "Ben...I'm here..." Softly hux begun to hum to him, knowing that usually the soft and sweet him would normally help to ease Ben into a sweet sleep. 

As he hummed to his husband he watched as his call forty year old husband went limp and into a deep sleep. 

~~

During the seventh month hux often spent his days at home. His work had given him three months of paid off time to care for his sick husband. 

Hux was cradling Ben, holding up a spoonful of yellow rice with mushed carrots. "Come on Ben...eat up, no matter if it comes back up you need this..." 

Ben hit at the spoon, crying heavily, his throat burned from his stomach acid that kept coming up. 

Huxs eyes filled lightly with tears, but they dissipated back into his eyes once again. "Two bites please Ben." 

Ben then whined and opened his mouth, hux helping to put the food into his mouth. Ben gave it a few chews before swallowing. Ben begun to heavily sob, it was hard eating. It was. But as soon as another spoonful was shown to him he opened his mouth and took it in. 

Hux kissed his neck sweetly. 

After lunch Ben laid in bed alone, his weak hands gripping a small sketch book. He had playfully sketched a few things. Mostly hux. 

But this page was full of writing.

'Kill me. I can't do this anymore. Kill me....hux I love you, but please. Kill me.'

Ben cried, tears staining into the pencils writing. 

When hux came in to undress Ben and help him take a bath, Ben pushed the book into his hand. Hux looked at the page, sad eyes showing heartbreak. "B-Ben...do you truly want..to die?" Ben nods and reaches up to hux. Hux scooped him up, "I'm not ready..." Ben then cupped his cheek, whining and giving his lovers lips a sloppy kiss. "You want that medical suicide don't you..?" He whispered brokenly to Ben. The other have a sad nod. 

Hux sighed, he undressed his lover and carried him to the bathroom where the bath water was waiting. Hux laid Ben down into the water with a sweet smile. 

Hux then calmly washed his lover, scrubbing at his body with a wash cloth. "Ben...if you want to die...I'll call the doctor...please don't forget me Benny.." Ben looked up to hux and smiled. His shaking hands touching onto his cheeks. 

Hux nods and kisses Ben lips sweetly. "Ben...I love you.." Ben whines and kisses back tiredly. 

~~ 

During the seventh month, hux spent his time away from Ben, scheduling how they would work out the medical suicide.

The doctor decided that during next month, bens eighth month of cancer, that it would be done. He'd be given medicine to out him to sleep, then the medicine to stop his heart would be given. Bens heart would then stop. And once his heart stopped, Ben would be gone and hux would be alone. 

But Ben, he would be happy. 

~~ 

The eighth month then came along.. 

Hux kissed and held Ben the day before the last day. Ben cried, hux...refused to let his broken emotions show. 

Hux laid with Ben, they were both naked, wanting to be able to admire each others bodies they are shared for twenty years for the last time. Ben touched his husbands chest tenderly, he smiled and watched him proudly. 

Hux hummed, "Ben...I promise...I'll never marry another soul..you're the only partner I could ever want." Bens eyes filled with tears then, but he snuggled closer, pushing his naked body into huxs. Hux sniffled brokenly, "I can only promise myself to you...the first day we met..god damn you were going through that emo phase.." Ben glared playfully, showing his famous words of 'its bit a phase.' "...and it was prom that weekend..and I remember we were talking in PE, and we both learned we had no date to the prom. And you went 'well we could go together. Are you gay?' I flipped shit when you said that... And then I went 'maybe I'm gay. Does it matter?' And you said 'yeah it matters. I might wanna date you after..'" 

Ben smiled and kissed his husbands lips. Hux smiled back, and then cuddled closer. Their love was endless. 

~~

It was the day.. 

Hux held bens hand as he laid tiredly on the bed. Ben held a note pad, he was finishing writing a letter he'd been working on since he'd gotten sick. He signed it, it took up ten pages of the sketchbook. Ben then wrote on another page, "don't read till I'm gone...I love you Huxley." He handed the book to hux and smiled weakly.

Hux was falling apart, his breathing was sharp and hiccuping with sadness. Hux kissed his husband once more and whined. "Ben..I can't do my life without you..I'm forty..I have atleast forty more god damn years without you." He tried not to begin to cry. 

Ben cupped huxs arms delicately, his eyes were filled with sadness. Hux sniffled, "I know...I have to keep going..." 

The doctor then came in, "alright Ben solo, I will give you the shot to ease you to sleep, then I will stop your heart.." 

Hux gripped his husbands hands and snuggled his head into his neck. Ben gave a gentle nod, he was ready to go. 

The doctor gave him the first shot into the IV. Hux snuggled closer, listening to how bens heart beat sweetly. "Ben...I love you..." Ben tried to speak, drooling as he made soft grunts. 'Lllllloooooffff...oooo..' It was rough, but it was a sweet I love you. 

In a minute, Ben was asleep. 

Hux gripped to Ben, beginning to finally cry. "No Ben...no!!" He cried and shook with harsh tears. "I'm not ready!" He cried. 

The doctor watched sadly, "hux...I'm very sorry. I promise, it will be alright." 

Then bens heart was stopped, hux listened to the sound of his husbands fading heart. Hux slowly stood and rubbed his face as he watched the doctor check for any signs of life. "He's gone hux. Listen hux, we will be able to keep his body for a week, call us when you've decided which morgue to send him to." 

Hux grabbed the notebook and left.

~~

When hux came home his eyes filled with pain at the sight of all of bens things. His models of spaceships on the shelves and the portraits of them that cover the wall. 

How could he do this. Hux then sat on the floor, pulling the notebook close before finally opening it. 

"Dear my love Huxley, 

Today we've just found our I have cancer. And it's really bad cancer..and yes I can have treatment but no it can't save me completely. I watched you today...you're so strong. No tears come from your eyes. How I wish I could stop crying. I'm sorry you have to deal with me being sick. I wish it could be different. I love you so much hux, we will make it. 

It's been two months of painful treatment. And to be honest, the treatment does nothing for me, I wish it could have. And I'm sorry for all the throwing up. It's really hard, the treatment make my insides fall apart and burst. I know I threw up into your hands last week..fuck I'm so sorry.. Please to god, forgive me. 

It's the fourth month now...loosing my memory is like loosing everything from myself. Two days ago you told me about our wedding..holy shit I'm so excited to know that we love each other so desperately. 

Also...I'm loosing my speech, and my ability to walk...but you carry me and listen to my sloppy speech. I love you so so much hux. I hope we can make it out of here. 

The reason I didn't write about the fifth month is because it was nothing but the same pain... But this month, the sixth, I can barely comprehend... 

My treatment is done..not because the cancer is gone. But because in dying. I'm not ready hux, please, I can't. I can't!! 

I officially can't talk....this is too much for me..I can't tell you how much I love you..   
But remember, I do love you. 

 

It's the seventh month...and today I finally told you..I finally told you I wanna die..my brain is nothing but mush. I can barely remember how it feels to kiss you sometimes. Baby..let me go please..let me die and be happy again. My body burns with such deep pain. 

When I told you this though..you were just so broken. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.   
I love you Huxley. I love you. 

It's the eighth month..and well it's tomorrow that I die... We held each other all day today...you were so beautiful naked, I wish I could have remembered that. I was sad looking naked..I'm down to 140lbs. I'm surprised I haven't broken in half. I promise, we will be fine. I love you.  
Also is that really how we met?! That's amazing.

Today is the day...be strong baby...I'll see you soon. You'll make it without me. I know you will. I love kissing you. It's like feeling my happiness being shared. Hux it's okay to cry...and forty years will go by fast. I promise. I'll see you soon. I have to go now..   
I love you to Pluto and back. I'm pretty sure the spaceship models are mine, I hope I'm a huge space nerd. Goodbye Huxley! I'll see you soon. I give you my heart and soul. I love you. 

Don't read till I'm gone. I love you.

-Ben Solo"

Hux read this a cried heavily, curling up and gripping the notebook.


End file.
